I haven't posted recently and technically that can only be a good thing since I haven't had issues or anything that's been bothering me.

I had a few things to say to Sofia last week in regards to how things sometimes feel and how the atmosphere can at times feel a little awkward. I didn't feel it was enough to make a post about it as I had no initial underlying thoughts or issues other than what I've already posted previously.

Generally she was surprised but I did find it difficult to get things across because saying something at times can make a big difference than thinking about it and how it gets interpreted. I found it still helped to say things between us and I think the atmosphere is a little bit more happier between us. I've been generally quite happy this week and since we've spoken.

I've said this before in that she doesn't want to lose me and it's something that does throw me off when I realise what that means and how I feel it maintains a strong relationship between us. I know I often say things like the relationship is bad, it's far from it. It's just little things can throw me and offend me completely when it shouldn't. I'd like to think I'm improving on that though each and every day, we all do, especially with relationships.

I don't have much else to say other than that. I keep thinking whether I already addressed in a previous post about me already being in the flat for just over a month now. A lot of things now easily become secondary in nature which is nice when it comes to cooking and cleaning etc. I still haven't felt the need to play any games and most of my online video watching happens mostly at work because I can't enjoy them in the same way when I'm with her on a laptop. I find there's too many distractions when I'm with Sofia or that there's always something to do. I'm curious as to how the next few months will develop into the summer. Although Greece is just around the corner and before I know it Christmas will approach again and I'll never know where the summer went.

The week that skipped

There was a good reason why I never made a post about last week due to my work time off although half of the week still involved being around the flat and doing things until we went to London for the weekend.

It's funny how London or a place you travel to for a few days makes you forget what you did earlier in the week. We went to London for about 3 days but it still felt like a week or so there by the time we got back last night.

From what I recall of the week it was quite pleasant. Monday was mostly spent with my mum and grandmother whilst we took my mum out to Oxford for that evening. Tuesday I think we did some shopping. Wednesday we spent with my mum and grandmother again but we made food for them in order to take to my grandmothers. Thursday we spent in town and general preparation for London. Friday until Sunday was basically the London weekend. So generally it felt good, I can't really say much other than that because I'm used to how things are by now. This now makes everything almost a full month since being there.

I enjoyed our London trip, there wasn't much of a moment where I felt bad being with Sofia. I had the odd thought of the time I did a similar trip with Jenny back in 2011 I think it was when we were there for a few days. I'm not sure why I find the Jenny stuff more memorable, I guess because a lot of the stuff were first time experiences and I remember the things we did had a lot more freedom. We didn't necessarily go to London for any particular thing. With Sofia it was mainly us spending most of the Friday for the British Museum and then the Natural History Museum the day after until finally going to the O2 for the Strictly Come Dancing Tour (Dancing with the Stars for the US folks!).

It's not like I didn't enjoy those things though, but they were planned ideas. Normally this is something I would always have an idea of doing myself ironically enough. There was something about last time that made it different and relaxed in a different way. I think it was the idea of exploration whereas when you do a full day at a museum you then have to find your way back to the hotel via the underground and you can't do much else as you get tired and other places start to close etc. I remember Jenny being really good when it came to the London Underground, it was never confusing and was simple enough. Fortunately this time felt just as good, but I also put it down to the experience now rather than relying on someone else to understand. For me and Sofia it worked as a dual partnership.

That and the fact that phone apps are simply amazing for what you want now. I HIGHLY recommend the Tube Map London Underground app. I used it a lot more this time than I did previously. Granted Google Maps can do the same type of thing, but I can't always rely on mobile data.

So I couldn't help but have the very small odd thought which I find happens when Sofia says something in a certain way and I can't help but feel that Jenny wouldn't had said anything like that or that she would be apologetic towards it. I should really just stop being offended over silly things. London thankfully never crossed that mark but I knew it wouldn't. It's a nice reflection when you come back home on a coach and you talk about how well you've both done together. To me I'm very thankful for that.

Yesterdays afterthoughts

I want to make a different perspective post than that of yesterday, I'm not generally trying to retract my comments but I feel things feel better and maybe I have a better understanding of why I felt the way I did yesterday. I think I realise what gets me down when I'm with Sofia and it's when I see her stressed after work.

Generally when she's happy she's all over me and the body contact is a lot more closer and she says more things to me. What bothered me from Wednesday night after coming back from seeing my mum is that she appeared very serious and never said much. She said she was fine and I wasn't sure what to make of it because she didn't show signs of being moody with me or anything like that, just generally I could tell something was up. The problem I find is that when she's in that mode I'm not entirely sure what to say or what to make of it. We still hold each other and stuff like that, it's just something I still find difficult getting used to. I tend to think too deeply into it, I guess it just concerns me in that I don't want it to develop into a long term problem or that I get tired of feeling that way. I tend to feel the negativity a lot more.

I can't help but feel negative at times because I think I just expect the worse to happen. I know things are a lot different than Jenny and I still feel we are a strong couple. I feel it would take a lot if things went wrong with me and Sofia, I feel there is a lot of determination with her and like I've said before, there really isn't anything that feels bad. I guess I'm still trying to get used to this type of relationship and I find it hard trying to accept if she feels bad from a rough day.

She works as a Clinical Psychologist so she goes through a lot of varied clients. She's had a bit of a tough week this week with some clients trying to suicide and the such and I guess it's her only way of coping. In my mind I want to find ways of making her happy so that we have a hassle free evening. I know it won't always be hunky-dory but I don't want it to make me feel like there's more than this out there with someone else.

I have a lot more to learn and I get that, especially as we're only 2 weeks in. There's still a lot in this relationship that I don't want to easily give up on. I just don't feel that's the right thing since I'm not unhappy, I just hate the difficult moments because it gives me the wrong idea when I know that's clearly not the case.

At least next week we have our week off, that's definitely much deserved by now and we have our London trip towards the end of the week so at least that's something I feel we can look forward to. But generally I still feel the week has gone well regardless of those little things. It still hasn't made me feel the way I initially was before moving in. To me that's important.

2nd week in

I feel sad for my mum. It hits me when she says she misses me and then to hear my grandmother tell me how hard she's found it. My mum never really shows her emotions all that much but when I hear about something it then starts to hit me. This week definitely felt like a week I could look forward to seeing my mum, it's a nice midweek break. What I like the most about it is that it's easy to walk back home without the feeling of waiting for Sofia to arrive in her car to pick me up or anything like that and then get stuck in traffic on the way back.

I went to my bedroom last night to sort more things out but it still no longer felt like mine anymore. My bedroom just feels like a shadow of it's former self. I mean it hasn't drastically changed although when you see completely different bed covers with a cover over it for the cats you realise it's not there for you to have. So most of my feelings are still the same when it comes to going back there every week.

Generally though it's been another fine week, I'm getting used to the typical routine and so far so good I don't feel anything laborious. I'm still finding I'm not making use of my 'own time' as such, I kinda miss not having a room where I can be online and watch videos. Instead, I'm in a livingroom in front of a TV where I make very limited use of my video watching and even lack of game playing. I miss playing games but at the same time I don't feel I have time for them even though I know I can make use of that time. I just need to make use of that more. The thing is I don't like the idea of playing games in front of Sofia in front of the main TV. Ideally I like the idea of having a monitor in front of me whilst Sofia watches the TV. The annoying thing with that though is the environment isn't right for it - it's so limited. That's where it frustrates me when I wish I could be in better living conditions in a house.

Sometimes, especially on a day like today, I wish things could feel better than "fine". I want to feel a lot more excited about my situation and I do like what I have with Sofia but I still feel it's not enough. Then again, I think back to feeling just "content" with Jenny back in the day and not feeling progression. So I wonder nowadays whether relationships are really worth it. I think one of the concerns I find when I'm with Sofia is the idea that I'm constantly thinking about our biological clocks. For me personally I'm still not ready for kids yet I like the idea of us having children. But because we're of a similar age (1 year difference with me) I feel it's only a matter of time before pressure kicks in. I know for sure she's not ready yet either but the age thing still somewhat concerns me. If I was with someone younger I couldn't really care because the common thing with guys is that it's not as hard.

Regardless of how fine things are at the moment I still think to myself that if things ended tomorrow I wouldn't really care. I especially wouldn't consider relationships for a LONG time. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I'm always in two different minds in this relationship. I never thought it would end up this way, I definitely never felt that way with Jenny. Okay I had minor gripes but that all became apparent right until the end. I think maybe I accept relationships for what they are and just accept that's the way it is. That's probably why they last for as long as they do and in reality maybe it's not what I really need.

I wonder whether being in an empty office is sometimes a bad idea, it gives me too much time to think. The trouble is by the end of today I'll still be fine and I won't think much of it. I definitely don't feel like I did before moving in, that bothered me the most. There still needs to be something more to this though.